First Lady Margaret Wheelwright
Three years ago when President Wheelwright and I were service missionaries at BYU-Idaho for a short period of time, I received a telephone call from my stepmother in Salt Lake City. She said that my dear 96 year old father was not doing very well and she thought that I should come home. I left Rexburg that same morning and drove to Salt Lake. I was blessed to be with my father the last two weeks of his life. What a blessing that was for me to help care for him as he lay in a hospital bed in the family room of his home. I was able to sit beside him and talk to him and read to him and kiss his wonderful forehead each time I walked by his bed, even when he didn't know I was there. Those were incredible days for me!
Four days before Dad died he became very lucid and wanted to talk. It was a Sunday afternoon and all five of us children were with him, surrounding his bed. When he started talking I was wise enough to take a notebook and pen and write down the things he said to us. Those were the last words he uttered to us. As I tell you this story, you need to know that my mother had passed away 25 years before. Dad began by saying, Your mother is with me to tell you some important things. His message for us was that the family is the most important thing on this earth. He was able to tell us children several other wonderful things before he drifted back into silence, but I will never forget those words The family is the most important thing on this earth.
I also want to read the first paragraph from the Family Proclamation as we talk about the family as the most important thing.
We the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children (Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995). The family is not only the most important thing, it is central to God's plan for us.
At BYU Women's Conference last year Sister Julie Beck said something that I will never forget. She looked at the women in the audience and said, Sisters, fight, fight for the family! I am sure if she were here today she would include you brothers too, and she would again say, Brothers and Sisters, you need to fight, fight, fight for the family.
I love Sister Beck's council to us anytime, anywhere, and I hope that you love and respect her council as much as I do. In a Seminary and Institute of Religion Satellite Broadcast in Aug. 2009, she was again talking about the importance of family, and she made a statement that President Wheelwright and I want to center our remarks on today, knowing that the family is the most important thing on this earth.
Sister Beck said:
In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a theology of the family. It's based on the Creation, the Fall, and the Atonement. I don't know how well your students understand that. They may be able to recite the facts about the Creation, but do they know that this is a theology of the family? The Creation of the earth was the creation of an earth where a family could live. It was the creation of a man and a woman who were the two essential halves of a family. It was not about a creation of a man and a woman who happened to have a family. It was intentional all along that Adam and Eve form an eternal family. It was part of the plan that these two be sealed and form an eternal family unit. That was the plan of happiness.
She then continued:
The Proclamation on the Family was written to reinforce that. It reinforces the family being central to the Creator's plan. Without the family, there is no plan; there is no reason for it. I'm not certain that everyone of the rising generation understands that with clarity.
If we are to live the plan that our Heavenly Father has given us, we must understand how important marriage and children are in this great plan. As young people you must understand how important it is for you to find the right companion, marry, and have children because that is the plan.
I know things are very different for you today in living the plan than they were for me so many years ago when I was your age. When I was a teenager, living in Salt Lake City, dating was a very acceptable and normal thing that every teenager did. I watched my older brother and sister go off to movies and school dances and Church parties with dates, and I knew that someday I would be doing the same thing. I started dating when I was about 16 years old and I learned a lot about what I liked and didn't like in guys I dated for the next few years. These experiences truly prepared me to know and appreciate the qualities I wanted my special companion to have that I would someday marry.
Today dating is not quite the same. Young people all over the world are able to communicate with people miles away as they Twitter or do Facebook, but many are less able to comfortably carry on a conversation with someone in the same room. This makes it very hard to get to know people you might be interested in dating and eventually marrying.
Today, most young people of your age like to hang out in groups. Perhaps this is because you feel it is the acceptable thing to do in today's society, or because it is more comfortable. It may be because it is safer because you aren't forced to get to know anyone personally, if you don't want to. It may be less threatening because you don't have to take that sometimes nervous step of asking someone to do something with you alone. And you also don't open yourself up to possible rejection. This way of socializing doesn't need any particular commitment, so it doesn't make you so nervous. I imagine that there are times when you as a young man or young woman don't even have a personal conversation with someone of the opposite sex when you are out with the crowd. You just 'hang out.
Let me just give you a few reasons as to why this way of dating is not taking you in the right direction as you live the plan. Until you take that step of pairing off and starting to date a single person, you aren't able to form a relationship that has depth and meaning. It is more superficial. You aren't able to learn the social skills you will need as you shift from hanging out to dating. You aren't able to pinpoint the specific characteristics you are really looking for in the person you want to be with for eternity.
I suggest that you start to make that shift in your socializing and actually look around you and decide on someone you would like to get to know more personally. Then go out on a date with them - not just once, but at least two or three times. As you do and you get to know them, you might want to make a list of characteristics that are important for you as you find the person you will someday marry.
When my husband was a bishop, he came home from interviews one evening and told me that he had just been talking with his Elders Quorum President who had a very long list of attributes and characteristics he was looking for in a wife. He honestly felt like he had to check off every characteristic as he continued his quest for the perfect woman. At the top of his list were the physical attributes he thought were essential beauty being number one. His list required her to be perfect in every category.
This young man had confided to my husband, his bishop, that he really liked a young woman in the ward whom he had dated recently, but she didn't meet all of his criteria. Fortunately, he was able to get comfortable with the fact that he was not perfect either. This couple did marry. They have a wonderful family with four children, and he is now a Bishop. He and his family are living the plan.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks stated in April conference, 2007, that A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection (Dallin H. Oaks, Divorce, Ensign, May 2007, 70-73). I love this statement, and I am surely grateful that my husband didn't have a long list of perfect attributes he had to have as he met me!
Let's look at how you might put together a list of traits you are looking for. First you might want to look around the group you spend a lot of time with and choose some of the traits that you really admire and feel are important to you. Then as you start to pair off in your dating, you might want to come back to your dorm or apartment after you have spent time together and note on your list the important characteristics that person had that you really liked. Then note some of the characteristics that person had that you didn't like and wouldn't feel comfortable with forever.
In this month's Ensign, Elder Lance B. Wickman wrote an article called, Confidence Tests: From Fear to Faith in the Marriage Decision. I would recommend this article to all of you! He told about a young returned missionary that Elder Bednar knew who was seriously dating a young girl that he thought he might marry. This was just at the time that President Hinckley asked all of the young people in the Church to refrain from piercing their body with jewelry, and asked young women to just wear a single pair of earrings in their ears.
Elder Bednar said that this young man watched the reaction of his girlfriend when President Hinckley made that request. He kept watching to see when she was going to remove the second pair of earrings from her ears. She never did. After a few weeks the young man stopped dating the girl. Now, was it the earrings he was upset about? No. He realized that on his list of important characteristics was devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. He realized that he didn't want to marry someone who wasn't willing to follow the counsel of the Prophet.
I believe that as you live the plan the Spirit will prompt you and give you direction and courage in everything you do. That includes the vital step on finding a companion for the eternities. Let me give you two very personal examples in my own life when I knew the Lord was directing me in living the plan.
When I was a sophomore at the University of Utah I started dating a young man who had just graduated in Electrical Engineering and we started spending a lot of time together. Six months later I found myself standing in a jewelry store looking at diamond rings with him. I can still remember the incredible warning I had at that moment. I suddenly had a strong feeling that I was doing the wrong thing! I wasn't supposed to marry this young man. I very quickly whispered to him that I thought we needed to go home. He was very shocked, and didn't understand, but after a few more words from me we left the store and drove back to my house. Before I got out of the car I told him that I felt prompted by the Spirit that I was making a mistake. I knew that we shouldn't proceed with our plans. I climbed out of the car, walked up the driveway, and went inside my house. I hardly even looked back; I was so sure about the message I had received. It wasn't until I met a young returned missionary named Steve Wheelwright a whole year later that I understood what the Lord had in mind for me.
Now let me continue my dating saga and tell you how I felt when I really did meet the young man I was to marry. When I look back at our courtship, I remember it as if it were yesterday. My older brother told me that he would like to line me up with a fraternity brother of his who had just returned from his mission to Scotland. I was very surprised. My brother hadn't ever done that before, but this time he said, My friend, Steve Wheelwright, is just perfect for you! You need to meet him. Well, we went to a movie on our first date with my brother and his date and then came back to our home for ice cream.
The next day Steve called and asked if I wanted to go sailing with him and some friends. I had never gone sailing in my life, and I must admit that it was white knuckles the entire day. But we laughed and talked and enjoyed ourselves so much that a few days later he called and asked if I wanted to go play tennis with him. I quickly said yes, and then after hanging up the telephone, I sank back in my chair with fear, knowing that I was a terrible tennis player! I remember walking over to my best friend Monetta's house in panic, asking her what I should do. She laughed and said, Oh Margaret, he isn't asking you to go play tennis because he wants to play tennis; he just wants to be with you! I relaxed a little, borrowed her tennis racket, and went back home and waited for him to arrive. Sure enough, he didn't seem to care that I was a lousy tennis player. We played for about an hour and then we spent the rest of the afternoon talking and enjoying each other's company.
When it came time to take our relationship to the next step, neither one of us seemed afraid or nervous committing ourselves to something more serious. The Spirit truly brought peace and comfort to me as we continued getting to know each other better. Neither of us had much money. We both had part time jobs after school, but Steve was about ready to graduate and continue in his graduate studies, and we both knew we were in love. It just was the most comfortable and natural thing in the world to go to the next level of commitment in our relationship. We became engaged in October of 1965. It was so completely different than my first experience that ended in the jewelry store! Steve had all the important characteristics on my list! He was committed to the gospel; he was kind, thoughtful, hard working, happy, respectful, and devoted to me. He made me a better person when I was with him. What more could I ever ask for?
President Steven C. Wheelwright
This past week, after Margaret and I had spent an hour together having a scripture study session with our new students, one young returned missionary made a very insightful comment to me as we were walking out of the chapel. Referring to Margaret who was talking with another group of students in front of us, he simply said, I need to find a wife like that! I commended him for his insight and judgment and told him that I agreed.
I am grateful once again to have the opportunity to share this podium with Margaret, my true love and eternal companion. Let me begin by stating one of the great truths that the Family Proclamation confirms. It is that, gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose (Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995). Thus it should come as no surprise to you that my perspectives and experiences concerning dating varied somewhat from Margaret's. I too had dated others prior to being introduced to Margaret, but I did not have an explicit set of written characteristics I was looking for. I simply knew a good thing when I saw it - and Margaret was a very good thing!
I loved being with her, whether it was sailing, playing tennis or teaching her how to drive a stick shift car - all of which we did during our first month of dating. Then as time progressed, we found ourselves spending more time talking, getting to know each other's dreams and desires, and just wanting to be together. I was in the habit of studying in the quiet room of the University's library so we soon found ourselves studying together there. And I must confess that on more than one occasion, another student had to ask us to be quiet. We would go back to studying, but within a few minutes would be again whispering to each other. We also got to know each other's class schedules so we could bump into each other several times a day. Life was exciting.
I quickly concluded that Margaret made me a better person and there was no one I'd rather be with. Soon we were talking about getting married. Some who know me well might be surprised, but at this stage I didn't have a financial plan. I didn't even have a budget. All I knew was that we loved each other and I had faith that the Lord would bless us if we proceeded. I can remember one particular evening after I had dropped Margaret off, it struck me that I didn't have a detailed plan - I simply had a strong sense of direction, a feeling of peace that we were on the path a loving Heavenly Father approved of, and I had faith that together, with the Lord's help, we would be fine. I still remember the focus of my prayers that night. Basically, I told the Lord that I loved Margaret; I felt the train (that is, our lives together) was picking up speed and leaving the station, and unless He instructed me otherwise, I was getting on the train. Given the sense of peace I felt, I knew the Lord approved, and thus we moved forward.
I should add that we did have a budget by the day of our wedding, but it was simple and short. It was based on both of us working part-time, me completing my undergraduate degree as quickly as possible, and not spending any money other than the minimum needed for rent, school, food and essential travel. I remember thinking on the day of our temple marriage in December of 1965 that life was grand. But I can honestly say that it has only gotten better and better, and my love for my wife has only grown stronger through the years.
From the outset, the enduring foundation for these wonderful blessings in our lives has been the one that Elder Quentin L. Cook, an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, talked about this past week during the BYU-Hawaii commencement exercises. Elder Cook instructed each of our graduating students to commit themselves to the eternal institution of the family as the foundation for [their] happiness, and to then live the plan (Quentin L. Cook, Pursue the True Path to Happiness, BYU-Hawaii Commencement Address, April 2010).
In the time remaining I'd like to highlight just a few of the things that have contributed to making our life together, and our eternal family, stronger and stronger, and the foundation of our individual and collective happiness. Each of these are things that started long before we married, but were then amplified and strengthened as our marriage grew and our family developed.
First was our commitment to show genuine trust and respect for each other at all times and in all places. Developing such complete trust was aided greatly by having seen such patterns in the lives of our own parents, in the lives of Church leaders and in the life of the Savior. It also meant that there were many things that we worked on together without involving extended family or friends. I will always be grateful for the wonderful example Margaret's father, John Steele, provided in this regard. We had been away at graduate school only a few short months when Margaret dropped me off at school one morning but then on the way home had an accident. Knowing how little money we had in our budget, she was in tears and went to the nearest phone and called her father. I can still remember his response: What are you calling me for? Steve's your husband. Don't call me, call him! Thus while he loved his daughter dearly, he was wise enough to know that Margaret and I needed to trust and rely on each other, whatever the situation. We needed to cleave unto [each other] and to none else.
A second factor that has contributed significantly to making our marriage and family better and better has been unwavering adherence to a principle clearly outlined in the Family Proclamation. It states that under the Lord's plan, fathers and mothers [are to] honor marital vows with complete fidelity (Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995). And through the teachings of living prophets and the covenants made in the temple, we each knew that such fidelity and faithfulness were integral to the plan as well as being essential to a happy marriage. This required special diligence in my work environment where male faculty members regularly traveled and shared a meal with a female research assistant. But it was well worth the extra effort for me to meet my research assistant at the company or university being visited after traveling separately, in order to avoid the very appearance of evil. As the popular song says, we each knew that the other only had eyes for you. And following our prophets advice and counsel on such matters has only added to the trust and respect we have for each other.
A third factor that has been a major contributor to our happiness has been that of communication. As most married couples can confirm, the communication patterns of men are quite different from those of women. In our case, the significance of this challenge was amplified by the fact that Margaret came from a family that was always talking and sharing the details of each day's activities, whereas I came from a family that seemed to use a minimum of words and then considered the topic closed. But we both knew that our Heavenly Father expected us to teach our family, as quoted from the Family Proclamation, principles of love and service, as well as faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities (Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995). And that meant we had to both be directly involved in teaching and communicating. That works much better when both husband and wife are on the same page, reinforcing the same principles and lessons, and providing consistency in word and deed.
Thus, I knew that I needed to learn how to communicate better and Margaret knew that she was going to have to help me with that. And even now, with five adult children and seventeen grandchildren, we still need to communicate effectively so that our messages to our extended family are consistent and have the desired impact. A final factor that has been of critical importance to the happiness of our eternal family, has been that mentioned near the end of the Family Proclamation - helping one another as equal partners. Thus while Margaret has taken primary responsibility for the nurturing of our children and I have taken primary responsibility for providing the necessities of life and protection; it has indeed been a complete partnership, with each of us fully committed to doing whatever has been required (see Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World, Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 1995). And the result has been even greater happiness and joy than either of us could have imagined almost 45 years ago when we were just starting our life together as an eternal family.
As taught so clearly by the Prophet Joseph Smith, Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it (History of the Church, 5:134-35). And as outlined so clearly and consistently by our modern day Apostles and Prophets, the foundation for such happiness in our homes and families is greatly assisted by genuine trust and respect, complete fidelity and faithfulness, honest and consistent communication, and developing a true partnership.
We testify that the Lord's plan of happiness is based on eternal families; families founded on the principles outlined in the Proclamation on the Family and sealed in the Holy Temple. And when we commit to the eternal institution of the family as the foundation of our happiness, and then live the plan - dating, falling in love, creating an eternal family unit, and continuing to strengthen that family so children can be raised in faith and righteousness - the Lord's blessings are sure and without end. May you each catch the vision of the Lord's great plan and have the desire and courage to live the plan is our prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.